The InBetween Times

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The Inbetween Times  By Brandy Watson

It is the time of  poets and writers

And other such dreamers that are

Awake long after everyone else

The in-between hours

No longer quite night and yet

Dawn has not yet kissed the sky

 

I lift my face to the sky full of stars

They sing to me a love song

One sung by the ancient ones

Long before the clutter of noise

And busyness took over the minds

Of this world’s inhabitants

 

My feet respond to a primal rhythm

Long forgotten and yet still known

By my innermost soul

I dance and sway uninhibited

Arms raised above me

Barefoot in the moon kissed grass

 

The breeze caresses my arms

Like a lover’s kisses, light and sweet

I shiver, not with cold, but delight

The rhythm picks up pace

My feet follow suit

I am a wild thing dancing untamed

 

All at once a motor roars and

Headlights glare off my deck

A spell, broken so abruptly

I am left longing for times rewinding

As I walk away  toward the house feeling bereft

My ears pick up the quiet rhythm once more

 

It feels too late now, dawns coming

Glow in the distance

Still, I pause in my doorway, listening

To the fading notes of the love song

The tinkling laughter of the tree spirits

And I am filled with peace and joy

 

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Panic’s Cruel Grip

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I try to stop the rising panic

But my mind has its own will

Hijacking my body into its cruel service

I attempt to force oxygen into warring lungs

And relax the ever-tightening knot in my belly

To no avail

My heart is racing, drilling its

Intense rhythm into my head

The only real proof that I am still living

Though I feel like I’m dying and death?

Death would seem a mercy

From this torture

But no such relief comes. Not yet.

I lay curled in a ball feeling cold and

Hot at the same time, sweat droplets

Winding a path down my face

I feel utterly alone even as my husband

Lays beside me sleeping blissfully unaware

I fight the urge to bury my head into his body

Even in torture, I put my own needs last

Martyrdom always comes at a steep price

Especially when you’ve lived it for 40 years

Tears mixed with sweat are dampening my pillowcase

“You’re okay, You’re okay, just breathe” I tell myself

I try to picture beautiful things instead of the darkness

That works to take over

It feels like days, weeks even, not an hour or two

It is gone almost as quickly as it started

Not gone, gone. Not disappeared

I still feel the remnant of its hold on me

A small dread that something bad

Is just over the horizon

That the boogeyman really is right

Under my bed, ready to grab me any moment

But I can breathe again, for now.

 

Footsteps

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Footsteps   By Brandy Watson
Footsteps, boots on the floor

And I am just a little girl once more

Little heart beating through my chest

Finding it hard to catch my breath

 

Your anger burned like a flame

Sucking out the joy, and leaving pain

Loud and angry hands left permanent scars

On my body, on my soul and on my heart

 

Why couldn’t you see, I was just a little girl

Trying my best to figure out this big old world

All I wanted was to love and to be loved

But I was never just quite good enough

 

Now I’m part little girl and part old soul

Picking up the pieces that make me whole

Learning to trust, learning to breath

Though fire scarred lungs ,down on my knees

 

Fight or flight, should I run or should I hide

You can’t imagine how many times I’ve cried

Not all men are monsters, I know that’s true

But it takes all my strength to forget you

 

Why couldn’t you see, I was just a little girl

Trying my best to figure out this big old world

All I wanted was to love and to be loved

But I was never just quite good enough

 

Praying for redemption, praying for relief

Maybe one of these days I will be free

From a life lived with one foot in the past

Sweet little girl, you’re safe at last

 

Footsteps, boots on the floor

I am not a little girl anymore

 I’m  learning how to fly

Far from the past that I survived

 

Footsteps, run away run away

Footsteps……….

Footsteps I’m  okay, I’m okay

Footsteps

 

Open Heart Surgery

I lay here, chest cracked wide open

Heart bared and vulnerable

Trying not to panic from the fear

I’ve been here before

I still bear the scars from

The rough handling that nearly broke me

It’s taken years for me to be brave

Brave enough to be

Willing to crack me wide open

Once again.

My heart, an offering of sacrifice

Awaiting your choice

Can you love this scarred and battered heart

It is all I have to offer you

I raise my eyes to yours

The breath I’ve been holding

Releases at the love I find

Reflected back at me

As you offer your own

Scarred and battered heart

Into my care

 

 

Gone too Soon

Chubby fingers reaching skyward

Diamond sparkles in your eyes

Dancing, little feet on tiptoe

Accompanied by angel song

Safe from loud and angry hands

No more pain and suffering

Only love surrounds you now

Even so, my heart is breaking

For all the things that should have been

All the firsts uncelebrated

Lost teeth, school, first loves

A future wiped away in a blink

Couldn’t they see how little you were

How precious, how priceless

Endless potential in human form

Now they must live with what they’ve done

God have mercy on their souls

Dance free in peace little one

May your absence remind us

That we can do better than this

For our little ones on this

Revolving ball of life and love

 

In Memory of two little ones murdered at the hands of adults who should have cared for them.  Leiliana Wright and Kenzley Olson, rest in peace……

Mind Clutter

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What are you thinking about he asks

Nothing I reply

For my mind is an enigma

Even to myself

Stuffed full of random facts

Overflowing with whimsey

A lifetime full of emotions

And dreams and fairytales

Books and poems, my cathartic escape

Music and  nature are my lullabies

Passion and love my battle cry

It’s so easy to get lost  in here

Strolling from place to place

So very full of wonder

I can only hope you’ll forgive me

When I don’t hear a word you’ve said

When my answers come so slowly

You wonder if I will ever answer

It takes awhile to find my way

Through the tangled webs of thought

Be patient I beg

If you are, you shall be rewarded

With a piece of my very soul

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beauty in the Broken

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She was born a little bit broken
Picking up vibrations that
Nobody else seemed to hear.
Or maybe they could ignore it
She never knew the why or how
Just that she was not the same
No one else heard the flower’s song
Like the tinkling of crystal shards or
Felt the sadness of someone who
Was smiling on the outside
She saw it all, heard it all
Felt is all exquisitely
She could not hide from it.
And mostly didn’t want to
But it was ever so lonely to live
With people who not only didn’t understand
But decided she was too much
And needed to be fixed
She grew ashamed of her abilities
Tried to push them aside and grow
Hard as ice in the arctic
For the first time, she really felt
Broken
For gifts, like water can only be
Held back so long before they find
A way to BREAK FREE
She feels the everything again and
Decides that this is who she is
Maybe a little bit broken can sometimes lead
To a beautifully wondrous life

Brandy Watson 4-5-2016