I stumbled half-asleep to let the dogs out at 1:30am this morning. The light of the streetlamp causing me to glance upwards. I see the tree branches not yet dressed in their green spring and summer finery. This morning they were dressed with thousands of water droplets clinging to them like a fancy gown. “I’m like those water droplets.”, I think to myself. “They cling to the branches like I cling to hope and the Hope-Giver.”
With the current struggles I am going through, there is just nothing else for me to do. To both try to hold on and yet at the same time let go and just be held. I am reminded of newborn kittens. How when you pick them up, they hold on to you with all their strength, terrified and helpless, completely unaware that you have them securely in your grasp. I want to believe that God is there, holding me close and yet I feel just a little bit terrified and helpless just the same. There are a few things that are helping me push through this and immerse myself in God’s presence of peace and love and joy.
Music. It always comes back to music for me in one form or another. I have constructed a few different playlists. A joy playlist. A peace playlist. A praise playlist. Full of songs that encourage me to focus on those instead of fear and worry. Singing. I love to sing. Especially with my friends on Sunday night praise team. There is something holy and amazing when people who love each other are praising God together through song. I often find myself tearing up or even crying while singing , the words touching my soul like a healing balm.
Nature. I am trying to eek out just a few minutes a day where I go and sit or walk outside and really listen and look at the natural world and it’s wonders. Robin Redbreast with his head cocked to side hopping along my lawn looking for a juicy worm meal. Noticing the leaves slowly unfurling their glory on the branches of trees. The busy little ants building their dirt empires. The sound of the wind turning the blades of the little metal windmill in my yard.
Giving of myself to others. At a time when it would be easiest for me to pull inwards inside myself, I am making sure to do things that bring me joy. And that includes loving the people around me. I love to surprise people with a special snack or kind words or just a hug.
Letting my friends love me through this. I know for some people this is easy peasy. But not for me. I have a tendency to be a highly independent and private person. I try to handle everything myself so I don’t burden others. I’ve been making a point to tell those closest to me when I am nervous or sad or frustrated and letting them comfort and encourage me. This has been one of the most life-giving moves I have ever experienced. I suspect it’s because I have some of the very best people in the universe loving me right now. I absolutely adore them. They are my people.
Sitting in the silence (preferably with candles, in a warm bath. What can I say? There aren’t that many places to find quiet in a small house and large family) I have just been sitting in the quiet, away from the thousand and one distractions. Allowing God’s love and peace to wash over me and fill me up. This is probably my most challenging thing besides letting people in. Not only am I easily distracted by outside influences but my mind is so busy and complex, it is quite the discipline to get it to quiet down and just focus on being still and silent and listening to my Father’s voice.
So I am holding on to hope and taking a trust fall into God’s arms.As a beloved child trusts that Daddy is going to catch her. Believing that at the end of it all, Love wins.