I used to think that silence was my salvation


I used to think that silence was my salvation

Bondages formed in a house of violence

Stay quiet, stay small, stay hidden

Don’t make a fuss,Don’t state an opinion

I learned to tiptoe instead of stomp

And whisper instead of shout

I learned to dodge loud and angry hands

And pretend that I was happy even when crushed

I stayed hidden in a magic world of books

Living out bravery vicariously through

Fictional friends that became beloved to me

And I thought this is what God wanted

A small, quiet, easy obedient girl

One that doesn’t ever speak up

And say no or stop or that’s not okay

I even went to churches that  seemed to agree

This is what God wants from you

Stay quiet, stay small, don’t ask questions

We men in charge know better than you

It was the power of God’s love and the love

Of my friends and husband that created

A space for the real me to leak out of the

bandages of bondage that had held me tight

For decades

Now I know that my voice should not be silenced

That isn’t what God had in mind for me at all

I asked Him to remove the bondages that had

Held me so tight for my entire life and He did

And it was PAINFUL and SCARY and HARD

How do you find your voice when you’ve never used it

How do you learn to stomp when your toes have formed

To the permanent tiptoe of silence

It was a slow healing, over time

A rehabilitation of sorts, learning to use my brave muscles

I had to be patient with myself and ask patience of others

Metamorphosis is a messy business

It’s hard to see what beauty can ever come of it

But there are glimpses now as I speak out

For the poor and the oppressed and the lonely

The misfits and the struggling and the refugee

Somehow I am finding freedom through my

God given voice and feel like maybe this is

What being part of God’s kingdom feels like

Something beautiful being redeemed from

The depth of the darkness

I wrote this blog post as part of Sarah Bessey’s synchroblog post with the prompt, I used to think___ but now I know___ . Sarah has released her brand new book, Out of Sorts:Making Peace with an Evolving Faith and it is FABULOUS!! Sarah’s new book! If you have time, please read some of the other amazing blogs participating today! Sarah’s blog


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