Getting to the soft chewy middle of my heart

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, which is probably a dangerous thing. I was telling someone recently about how very sensitive I was as a child. How I didn’t just feel my own feelings, but everyone’s around me.  And I realized that I haven’t felt like nearly as much for a very long time and wondered why. As  I examined that, I cried. I realized that the only way I could find to survive the world as a child was to start building an armor piece by piece over my heart. The world was such a harsh and hurtful place and I felt everybody’s pain so sharply that I learned to shut most of it out and put on a brave and tough front.  Being tough and brave on the outside has allowed me to keep everyone at an arm’s length. When my Daddy died, I pretended to be fine, instead of broken. When my first marriage fell apart, I stayed strong for the kids’ sake. When I lost babies to miscarriage, I bore the pain in almost complete silence, keeping it even from my husband. I might have fooled some people into thinking i didn’t need them, that I was strong enough to walk alone, but God knows the truth. The truth that I am desperately afraid to say out loud. If I let people in, if I remove the amor and allow myself to fully feel the pain, hurt, sorrow,anger, will I be able to bear it? Or will I crumble.  Is it worth the risk to make myself that vulnerable. I believe it is. That’s why I am writing about it.  This blog is about me becoming a little more real every day through God’s love and truth of who I am. I cannot live an authentic life if I am hiding one of the main things that makes me unique and special. So I will ,with God’s help remove the tough girl armor  and allow God’s love to really pour through my ability to hurt with the hurting and rejoice with those rejoice.  I will be honest about my own pain and stop smiling politely and saying I am good when I am dying a little inside and more importantly I will let people know that I need them just as much as they need me.  On that note, the next few weeks are going to be hard for me. I lost my little one 2 years ago next week and it’s a painful thing for me to realize she would have been nearly 18 months now, toddling around with chubby legs and tow-headed curls. My Daddy’s birthday is also coming up and I miss him so very very much.  So here I am learning the new kind of vulnerable type of bravery. I will have a pretty white fence surrounding my heart instead of a brick wall. I want so very much to be made real even if it hurts a little.  And in the end of my life maybe I will be someone who people remember as someone who made a difference in the world before she left it.

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