Twenty Years Ago

I was fifteen and full of dreams for the future. I figured overcoming my dysfunctional family situation would be easy and I would go on to really change the world. I could never have imagined falling in love at 18 and getting married at 19 and having my first at 20 (reality) instead of finishing my nurse midwife degree and going to africa for a while(my dream). I could never have imagine that I would have 3 more children by the time I was 26 and move to Fargo. I certainly never ever could have imagined that I would find my Daddy again and that we would learn to love each other and I would lose my husband so he could follow dreams of womanhood that were not ones I could share. My dreams hadn’t included such heartaches as single motherhood, miscarriages, poverty or such joys as finding another love, remarrying and having one more little person to share my life. And on the side of vanity, never imagined that I would be anything but a size 3.

Perhaps it’s good that I didn’t know anything of the future. I think I might have been tempted to just go hide instead of living life. My sorrows and pain have made me strong. Far stronger than if all my dreams at come true.  Every trial, every pain, everything I had to work through and still do has molded me into someone who doesn’t take love or life for granted. My latest trial of losing my Daddy has added more tears or sorrow while at the same time connecting me with so many more family that I have grown to love with all my heart. Perhaps my heart had to be broken so many times so that it could be enlarged to love more extravagantly, live more in the moment, give less selfishly.

The key to not becoming bitter is learning to throw away the pain of anger while still embracing that small seedling of hope that is in your life. God has placed it there for you to see, to nurture, to embrace. Never give up on love. People need hope and love is to the soul what food and water is to the body. Without such things we wither away and die in one form or another.

As a mother, if can pass down anything to my children, it would be a dogged hope that no matter what happens they are strong enough with the Creator of the universes help to endure and grow and blossom and become who they need to be.

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