Nine days later and I wonder how long it will be before I
stop waking up with this hot burning rock in the pit of my stomach that makes
me feel like I am going to be sick. How long before I can hear his voice in my
head and not burst into tears. My heart feels like it has been ripped into itty bitty shreds and I marvel when I look
around and see that everyone else(besides his other loved ones) seems to be
going around at their normal frenzied pace, living life and laughing. It feels
like I can never get there again. Daddy used to tell me that I must be so much
tougher than either him or my Mom because of the way I seem to roll with the
punches. What he didn’t know is that in the past 10 years it was his love that
was helping me anchor myself and not feel like a ship lost at sea. I wish I
would have told him that. I wish that I would have spent money that I didn’t
really have to go up and see him more. I wish, I wish, I wish…. I million
wishes about what I would have done differently. I can’t go back. I can’t change the past and
it’s like a thousand tiny knives stabbing my heart. I tried hard to be a good
daughter to him. To break through his layers with my love and let it reach his
core where he needed it so badly. But he
needed more than my love could accomplish.
He lived his life feeling the deep regret of not loving people the way
he wanted to. If I have learned anything through this whole horrible ordeal of
losing a Daddy, finding a Daddy, and losing him again it is as follows. Do not
live a life of regret. Don’t let a single day pass, without loving the people
in your life with everything you have. Before you can love others well, you
need to learn how to love yourself well. Learn to forgive and to let go. Learn to laugh at yourself and spread joy with
a smile. Believe in yourself enough to keep trying even if you don’t succeed.
Follow your dreams, no matter how far away they seem. Trust God always and
others wisely. Don’t be afraid to take a chance on Love.
I miss my Daddy tremendously, and I am so glad that he was brave enough to take the
chance to get to know the daughter he had loved but let go. We would have
missed out on so much had he decided to ignore my Grandma’s wishes for us to
learn to love each other. Now off I go, to love on those around me and try to
remember all that I learned from my Daddy.