Oh, Father, Where Art Thou ?

My Mom and Dad divorced when I was just a baby. He never visited, called or wrote.  And I spent most of my growing up years and some of my adult looking for him in every man  I met. In junior high, I had a secret diary full of letters to my Dad. Asking him why he left, why he didn’t love me. Why wasn’t I good enough for him to want me.   Even today,  now that I have a relationship with that same Dad, Father’s Day leaves me with feelings of angst. I looked at 50 fathers day cards and was totally frustrated before settling on one with very little meaning and cheesy humor.  Many of them say things like,” You were always there for me!”( kay, moving on) , “Thanks for making my childhood special” (ditto), etc. There’s nothing that says,” Although, I treasure the time I have with you now, it would have been amazing to have a daddy I could depend on to keep me safe, to tuck me in at night, to tell me that I am beautiful and worth it.”   It’s not that I haven’t forgiven him for the loss. He is sorrier than he could be that he was never there. I know  that he knows he made mistakes.  And I love him so much! Father’s Day just brings a mixed bag of emotions for me.

Ironically, society seems to make Dad’s look disposable. Like a sixth toe. A nice bonus but not necessary. And I am tired of it.  Dad’s are needed. Good Dads. Without them, little girls grow up like a ship without a rudder, not realizing that this pull of needing to be loved is caused by the emptiness left by their father’s absence.  Little boys grow up not knowing what being a man is all about, wondering if they have what it takes. I called the lack of my Dad a loss, and indeed it was.  Am I okay? Yeah, after many years of working through it all with God’s help and finally marrying a trustworthy, good man, I am starting to feel healed and less raw over the whole ordeal.  Seeing my Dad’s own childhood pain has helped me to move on from my own.  Everything I have been through in life has made me into the stronger and more compassionate person that I am today. Men that have the great privilege of being called Daddy by someone need to step up to the plate and be present and we as a society need to step up and support them and let them know how much they are needed. That’s all for now. I am going to enjoy some time with my hubby and my kids and later I will call my Dad and let him know how much I love him and how much I still need him in my life. 🙂

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