I woke up this morning from yet another night of restless sleep. The images from my dreams swirling around like a dancing fog over my morning. I have always had vivid dreams. Sometimes I consider it a gift but on nights like last night, it was much more like a curse. I was back in my childhood and once again I was trying to save the life of my family. I have been having various versions of this dream for as long as I can remember. You see, I grew up in a home where there was domestic violence and abuse. I was the oldest child of three .The daughter from my Mother’s previous marriage. I would learn very early on in my parents marriage to fear a certain look in my stepdad’s eyes. I lived most of mychildhood with a rock in the pit of my stomach wondering when the next blow up would be and would we live through it. Yes, I spent my entire childhood afraid for my Mom’s life. Afraid that I would come home from school and she would be dead and somehow that would be MY fault because I wasn’t there to stop it. Yeah, I know, heavy stuff, right?
I do not rehash this scenario to try to crucify my step-father. He faced his own demons and has apologized to me for the pain he caused. I do share it because I know that our family was not alone in the horrible dark place that we existed in. I know that right now there are thousands of women and children who are living what I lived and probably worse. I am begging you from the depths of my very being, find a way to escape. Get help. There are shelters all over the country that will help you. Make a plan and get yourself and your children to safety. I know that it’s not easy. Probably the hardest thing you will EVER do. But noone deserves to be hit, called names, belittled!! It must surely break the very heart of God to see you going through such things. You may feel completely alone but God WILL help you. The person abusing you need help too. And they will more than likely never get it while you remain in the home.
I only pray to keep another child from the nightmare that I lived and sometimes still live in my dreams.
Oh and if you know someone that you suspect is being abused in the very home that is supposed to be a safe haven, Do not turn and look the other way. Please. Offer your prayers, love, and support to get them to safety. You may just save a life.
I wrote this poem some years back. Related to my journey to trust in a loving Father God.
Little girl scared, she runs to hide
She tries to keep the pain inside
Noone sees her noone’s tried
The devil laughs
Years fly past, little girl no more
She locks the gate to her hearts door
What had God even made her for
And God cries
Hiding becomes a way of life
Filled with sorrow, pain, and strife
She tries but fails, to be a wife
Her heart weeps
Long around her heart a lock
Until one night a gentle knock
Her creator wants to talk
And she listens
His love comes in so pure and sweet
She sits and listens at his feet
She finally feels complete
Chains that bound her fall away
His mercies new to her each day
Hiding she will no longer stay
Brandy Roy 4-2-05