Time to stop running from myself

History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.
Maya Angelou

I recently realized that when I face painful things, my first instict is to bolt. To run away from the pain. Not literally, but emotionally. I start stuffing my body with unneeded food, stuffing my brain with a superflous of information. Anything to try to escape those feelings that make me feel like I won’t be able to cope. I realized that the reason I turn on the radio as soon as I get in the van and the tv as soon as I get into the house  because they allow me not to be alone with all those thoughts and feelings that seem better left hidden away. If I feel that pain, the anger, the sadness, will it not destroy me? All these things also keep a “safe” buffer between God and I. Because to get real, to really feel those things, means to fully trust that God can and will hold me through it and won’t let me be destroyed. Trust is not something that comes easily to me. I like buffers. But this blog’s purpose and my true life’s desire is that I be made more real every day with God’s love. It’s hard to be real when you are hiding behind a buffer. So I am purposing to stop running, to stop hiding behind the buffer, to turn and look at the pain and really feel it and realize that in God’s arms I am safe, I am loved, and I will not only survive, but thrive. I will be free to be me. This whole process will require a life shift for me. To embrace the quiet, so I can better hear my thoughts, and God’s voice. To embrace my sadness so that I can fully embrace joy. To face my anger, so that I can release it to God. To face my fears, so that I can be filled with love  that overflows to those around me. Here begins my journey……..

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