It has now been a week since I first realized that maybe you weren’t okay. The next day the floor was pulled from under me when I realized you were gone and with you all the hopes and dreams I had had for you. I put on a tough cookie front to keep people from being too compassionate. I fear that if someone cries with me, the tears will begin and will never end. So I pretend that I’m fine. Coping. Tough. Ha! If only they could see what a fragile, fragile facade I display. The truth. The real, undeniable, raw truth is that I feel like a dark cloud has descended upon my life. I am fighting from being consumed by the darkness and so far, I am half way winning. But the shadow is there. Taunting me. Telling me to just give in to it. I feel like the very life has been ripped out of my soul piece by mind numbing piece.
I went to Wal-Mart today. I thought I could handle it. But walking by tiny baby dresses was a torture that I hadn’t quite anticipated. I kept thinking about how you would have looked in them. Toddling around with your little curls. Oh I miss you! I miss knowing I was sharing life with you, sharing love with you. I feel so empty now that your gone and I didn’t even get to see you. Stupid D&C. That haunts me every day. I keep thinking of you being ripped away even though I know that in reality you were already in heaven. You were being held by Jesus and hadn’t any sort of worry or pain. I try to hold on to that and push back all the other dark thoughts that fight for control. Wait for me, my sweet. Someday I will run through fields of flowers holding your hand. I love you.